In the winter of 2023, I found myself in a place where I never imagined I would be, physically, spiritually and emotionally. It was an overcast day and I was in a cold doctor’s office waiting on my orders for blood work. I had a talk with my health care provider who didn’t have very many answers for me. I had gone to various speciality doctors in hopes of finding answers as to why my periods stopped, I had neck and back pain that wouldn’t go away, stomach pain and new sensitivities to food and lost close to 15 pounds in the process. I’m already small as some people would say, so when friends and co-workers would make comments of concern regarding how much I slimmed down, I felt like I was in an even greater place of loss.
During the summer of 2022, my battle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) peaked as I experienced suicidal thoughts and depression. I had become hyper focused on my sin, fear and the devil rather than the goodness of God and my identity in Christ. What you focus on you will attract (Proverbs 23:7.) I had no idea that the constant loop of thoughts that I couldn’t control were symptoms of OCD. I felt like I was being tormented spiritually and had opened up a door to the enemy. Eventually, I found myself in therapy and was given the diagnosis of OCD later that fall.
Fear had become my everyday experience, which OCD thrives on. Whatever you hold with most value, which was my relationship with God and purity, is basically twisted. The worst images and thoughts I could imagine would loop in my mind as I tried my best to avoid thinking about it, unaware that this made it worse.
I strived for perfectionism and to obey God down to the very bite of food I would eat. I had a hard time accepting God’s words over my life because of the disgusting thoughts and images that would circle my mind daily. I identified them as my own and as something I desired deep down when I knew in my spirit that was the farthest thing from the truth. My life had moments of peace but instead of most of my days being good, they were constantly bombarded with feelings of guilt and shame.
I had hit a breaking point with my health. In my mind, I was the girl who was supposed to have it all together (LIE). I had my degree in Nutrition yet I felt like a complete failure experiencing fear with food and sensitivities (another LIE). OCD wreaked havoc on my body. Intrusive thoughts about food, God and purity sent me into these dark inward spirals that eventually took its toll on my physical and mental health. I felt like I lost who I was. And on top of that, how could I call myself a woman of God while battling anxiety, depression and OCD? (ultimate LIE).
But, Jesus. But, the blood of Christ.
For God in all his fullness was pleased to live in Christ,and through him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ’s blood on the cross. This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault. But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don’t drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News. Colossians 1:19-23
This scripture in Colossians is what brought me back to life. As the spring and summer of 2023 progressed, I continued to renew my mind in this truth. I was no longer impure or undesirable to God because of the intrusive thoughts. I wasn’t defined by my mistakes and sin but brought near to God by the blood of Christ. I was holy and blameless without a single fault, despite what my mind was yelling at me. God’s words brought peace and identity to my very being.
As I look back, knowing what I now know about God, I wish I would’ve taken Him at His word regarding my identity in Christ and His love towards me the minute I experienced fear around specific intrusive thoughts. I’ve had moments where its felt like the Father’s love is too good to be true but it’s absolutely not. I had a friend explain the love of God to me like this, “It’s an uneven bargain that you’re going to have to accept because that’s just how good He is.” This is where faith comes in, my friend. The goodness of God doesn’t make sense to the human mind, but our spirits recognize this truth. As we renew our minds with the help of the Holy Spirit, the word of God can become tethered to our souls until it becomes our total reality, bringing healing to our bodies and minds.
As I meditated on the blood of Jesus Christ and it’s power over sickness and OCD I began to experience healing and enjoy life again. Back and neck pain, gone. My periods regulated. I was able to enjoy the foods that I avoided out of fear. I finally reached a healthy weight. Suicidal thoughts and depression, no more. I’ll admit I’m still walking out this journey, but He’s been good to remind me that it’s already been dealt with and I am healed. He draws me into His presence and as I totally surrender I can find my way back again.
If you find yourself in the same battle I’ve been in, you’re not alone and there is hope. As I’ve anchored my soul to God and His word the shame, guilt and fear can’t stay. It’s a daily process and discipline to renew our minds. It’s a choice we have to make to walk by faith despite our feelings, thoughts or circumstances. On top of that, we have to figure all of the years that we’ve been walking in the world (for me it was 27 before surrendering my life to Jesus.) What was a gradual process of 27 years of learning the wrong way isn’t going to be undone overnight. But your circumstances, symptoms and health can change if you choose not to give up. And despite the pain, seek Jesus, valuing His words above all else.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
the whole seed 